Delusion
by LAWchan89
Summary: She had defeated Kishin Asura, and she had done so with her courage alone...hadn't she?  An alternate take on the ending of the anime.


A/N: Okay, let me explain my reasoning for writing such a horribly tragic fic: I am not a fan of the ending of the Soul Eater anime. It really drove me nuts how cheesy it was and how Maka was able to get by with such a random Deus ex Machina. So I started reflecting back on how the Kishin could manipulate people through madness and...THIS idea was born. I would say "enjoy", but...it's AWFULLY sad. Just a heads up.

I still don't own Soul Eater.

* * *

_I've read about this before. Kübler-Ross' model developed in the 1960s, the Five Stages of Grief. Applied to patients who had suffered a great loss, people generally go through a process of five stages. Yeah, I'd read about this. Everything I know I've learned from reading, immersing myself in countless volumes of knowledge about anything—anything and everything I could get my hands on._

_This is real. This is the cold cruel world your parents try to shield you from until you can take care of yourself. This is the reality that makes me want to rip every book I own to shreds, stand back and watch them burn in a blazing fire. Books don't tell you about this. Books don't warn you about the dangers of letting people in, only to have them snatched from you in an instant. Books can't describe the numbness, the pain, the tears._

_No book can help me understand loss. It's there, I can feel it…but I don't understand it._

**Denial**

I lay in the Academy infirmary, a wide smile spreading across my face. I felt the stickiness of the IV strapped to my arm and several bandages wound around my ribs_. _My ash blonde hair was loose, hanging limply about my shoulders, still soaked in blood, and I wore a pale yellow hospital gown with tiny floral print. When I smiled, I could feel the painful stretching of several scratches on my face. I sighed deeply—my ribs hurt like hell when I inhaled, but I didn't care. It was over. I had done it. No, _we _had done it. I couldn't take all the credit, that wasn't fair, they had helped me. They had given me the confidence, the courage to defeat him against all odds.

We had defeated the Kishin Asura. It was all over now.

I didn't realize I was the only occupant in the infirmary until I turned my head and saw Nurse Nygus enter with Professor Stein_. _I called out their names, and they looked at me with shocked expressions, as if they had never heard me speak before.

"Where is everyone?"

Looking back, I wish I had never, _ever _asked that question…if I had known the response I was going to get.

Nygus opened her mouth then shut it again, looking at Professor Stein almost…_pleadingly_? My vision was still kind of foggy, so it was hard for me to tell. I saw Stein shake his head, then murmur something about "…get her father." Hell no. The last thing I needed was for Papa to come in and make a big scene after I had just woken up, crushing my ribs even worse while giving me one of his huge hugs. If anything, I wanted to see Soul. Where was he? Did he recover so fast he'd been discharged? Wait, how long had I been out anyways? To this day, I still don't know the answer to that last one, nor do I really care. After that day, I wish I could have stayed unconscious, slipped into a coma and died—_anything _would be better than this.

"Maka," came a soft voice, and I looked to see Stein pulling up a chair next to my bed. He took my arm and examined the IV. Now I know he was only doing it to put off telling me the inevitable. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," I replied truthfully. "But…okay, I guess. I did just defeat a Kishin after all." I laughed a little, and my ribs ached again. "So where's everyone else at?"

I watched and felt Stein's touch travel slowly down my arm, then gently cup my tiny hand in his large, rough ones. I couldn't read his eyes, there was always a glare on those glasses of his, but I felt the pressure of his hands holding mine. Something was not right, I knew it before he opened his mouth.

"They're not here, Maka."

"Obviously," I snorted, glancing around the room again. Plenty of beds, but no recovering patients to be seen. It was...eerie.

"They're gone," he went on. "Their souls…they've left this world and moved on."

"What are you talking about?" My smile was gone and I could hear the loud thumping of my heart pounding in my ears. "They're fine, they—they helped me defeat Asura—!"

"Asura killed them," Stein stated. That was all; he just sat there and said those words to me as if they would mean _nothing_. As if it wouldn't spiral the strong scythe meister Maka Albarn out of control with an anguish she had never known she could feel.

"I…I killed Asura."

"He's vanished. We don't know if he's actually dead or just gone back into hiding."

"Kid…Black Star…"

"The connection of the Lines of Sanzu was too much for Kid to handle. He lapsed into a deep coma and never woke up. The Thompson sisters tried to revive him, but Asura struck them down before they could react accordingly. Without Kid, they didn't stand a chance."

"Tsubaki…"

"Black Star was too busy gloating over his supposed victory to notice Asura send a powerful wavelength his way. Tsubaki launched herself in front of Black Star and took the hit for him—she was gone before she hit the ground. I think that was the one and only time Black Star _ever _dropped his guard in a battle…and he suffered the consequences as well."

"I know," I panted heavily through my nostrils, my ribs on fire now. "But they woke up, it was fine."

"They never woke up," Stein said firmly, and now Maka _could _see his eyes boring into hers. "Listen to me, Maka—everything that followed the moment you awakened the weapon blood within you was a lie. It was a delusion of the Kishin's madness; you only _thought _you saw your friends awaken, perfectly unharmed. You only _thought _you defeated the Kishin with bravery alone. It was all a trick."

My head was spinning, I couldn't think. My breath was so stinted I could only form one word…"Soul."

**Anger**

Stein didn't answer, and now my breathing was so short, so shallow I thought I might pass out. Maybe he hadn't heard me…so I repeated myself, "_Soul_."

"Soul…did what he was always meant to do," Stein whispered quietly, rubbing his thumb gently over my bruised, bloody fingers. "He protected you…he shielded you with his own body from the Kishin's attack."

"No…"

"He never cared if it meant taking his own life…his role as your weapon—"

"He's not…he's _not_," My voice grew firmer as something hot and burning began welling up from deep inside my stomach. I wanted to scream, but exhaustion weighed me down. I had always thought when a person was near death, their life flashed before their eyes—now, all _I _could see was Soul. His smile with those sharp pointed teeth, his spiked white hair that glistened in the light, his deep blood red eyes that I swear I could lose myself in if I stared into them long enough. For Stein to tell me that I would never see him again…it was unforgivable.

"Maka…I'm sorry."

"Soul promised me," I said furiously, clenching the bed sheet in my fist, "he would always be my partner…he _swore _he would never leave me!"

"I can't imagine how you must be feeling—"

"You're right, Professor Stein, you _can't_." I had never spoken to an adult I respected so insolently before, but I didn't care. "So just leave me alone."

"I understand, Maka," Stein said quietly. Standing quickly, he turned the screw in his head a couple of notches, the clanking noise echoing in the empty infirmary. Finally, he turned to leave, closing the door behind him.

And I turned my head into my pillow and screamed.

_Soul, you asshole, you __fucking asshole__! How could you do this to me? All of you! Black Star, Tsubaki, my closest friends next to my weapon—never the most agile pair, but you always kept your spirits up. You __always__ kept trying, no matter what, only to have it all come to this. Kid—Liz and Patti—I always admired you all. You have an incredible strength in your bond, a power that I could never achieve in a million years. How the hell could you just __give up__? You're better than this, Kid—Black Star—how could you let this one thing defeat you? _I screamed and screamed until my lungs ran out of air, then took another breath and howled again. _Soul...you said cool guys don't cheat on their partners…well they don't __lie__ either, you son of a bitch! Leaving me behind, dying on me, taking half of my heart and soul with you…_I dug my nails into the pillow, waiting for the flood of tears to come. It didn't.

_I will never __ever__ forgive you for doing this to me…_

**Bargaining**

A couple of days went by, and Nygus decided she would finally allow me to leave my bed and walk around. Not that I deserved her giving me this favor, I had only snapped at her every time she came to change my bandages or force me to eat or help me to the bathroom. Well, I had snapped at pretty much everybody who had come to visit me: Marie, Papa, Crona—yeah, I was even cold towards poor Crona, and Ragnarok was quick to reprimand me for that. It didn't matter that I felt truly awful about it right after she left, I couldn't take back whatever I'd said. I made a silent vow to hold in my anger whenever Crona was near. She just hated seeing me in so much pain, that's all.

The nightmares wasted no time in haunting me, nor did they show any mercy. Over and over, I watched my friends die. Over and over, I cried out to Soul, begged him not to throw himself in front of Asura's fatal blow meant for me, only to feel the weight of his limp body collapsing in my arms again. Then I would wake up and Papa would be beside me, holding my hand while I caught my breath. He'd tell me I was crying in my sleep again, mumbling everyone's names, and I'd exhale deeply. If I could cry about it in my sleep, how come I couldn't let loose and bawl when I was conscious? It was kind of irritating.

It was on the day I decided to venture out of my room that I received something that, believe it or not, made me feel a bit better: a letter from Mama. Apparently Lord Death and Stein had somehow managed to get word to her about everything that had happened, everything I had gone through. I read her words so many times I could almost recite them by heart—how sorry she was that I had suffered so horribly, how she had faith that I would remain strong even though this ordeal would test my limits severely, worst of all the loss of a partner and best friend I cared for so deeply. She left me with a promise that she would come to Death City soon, just to see me and no one else. I clutched the letter to my chest and managed to shed a couple of tears. I had never wanted to see my mother so badly in my life—wanted her to hold me and whisper that everything would be all right. I was broken, and I needed her to put me back together. Then Papa came in, and I stuffed the letter inside my pillowcase. He didn't need to know about this.

It was early in the evening when I changed out of my hospital gown and into a normal pair of jeans and a T-shirt to walk out in. But where to go? I couldn't leave the school, I hadn't officially been discharged yet. I would have given anything to go to the bookstore, grab a novel and immerse myself in its pages. A good mystery or fantasy novel that would take me away from all of this numbness, this realism of my situation that I still could not grasp. There was still a part of me that believed all six of them were going to burst through my door at any moment, laughing and saying things like, "ha ha, you totally fell for it!" As I left my bed and headed for the door, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I looked terrible, even thinner than I normally was. My face was a bit sunken and I had dark circles clearly visible under my dull olive green eyes. My hair was clean but limp and lifeless; I hadn't the energy to tie it up into my normal pigtails, so I'd left it loose and tangled. Soul had always said he liked my hair better down…

I shivered suddenly and looked around, spotting a hoodie lying over a chair next to my bed. Someone (Papa, probably) must have gone back to my apartment and grabbed some clothes for me. I took the hoodie from the chair and slipped it over my head. A bit big, but at least I felt warmer.

As I walked down the empty, dimly lit hallway of the Academy, my thoughts went back to the apartment. _The apartment_. How could I ever go back there after all of this? How could I face all of his things lying in a mess all over the place? Or the fact that the bedroom down the hall from mine would forever be vacant? I couldn't. Simple as that. I was halfway down the hall when I smelled something. It didn't stink and it wasn't a particularly fragrant smell—it was just familiar. I couldn't place what it was, so I shrugged it off and kept walking. I let the scent keep me company though. It seemed to soothe me. Still, I longed for the company of my comrades, my friends, and my thoughts went back to them as I the path I took led me straight up the stairs to the Death Room.

I'll never know what drew me to take this route down the long hallway to Lord Death's chambers, but something seemed to propel my feet forward. As I stepped inside, I saw Lord Death talking with Papa who had his back to me. It didn't take long for the masked headmaster to spot me and I immediately lowered my eyes and took a step back.

"Well, look who's finally up and about," Lord Death said cheerfully. There was gentleness in his voice that I was grateful for; through his optimistic disposition, he was still taking this seriously. Papa turned around and looked at me, and for a moment I was afraid he was going to tackle hug me, but he simply stood there silently. "Your father has been really worried about you, Maka," the Grim Reaper went on, "he was just telling me so."

"There's no need to worry, I'm fine," I whispered, reluctantly meeting Papa's eyes. It was then that I noticed the row of beds alongside where Papa and Lord Death stood, forms covered in white sheets. My heart stopped—these weren't beds, they were _coffins_. Six in all. My _friends' coffins_. "I—I'm fine…"

"Maka!" I hadn't even noticed my knees giving way until I was almost on the ground, but Papa caught me before I landed. "We should get you back to bed, sweetheart, you're not ready for this—"

"I'm _fine_," I repeated, shoving him off me as he tried to get me into a standing position. I didn't need his pity, I didn't need his "fatherly" love and care, I didn't need anyone. I breathed deeply, inhaling the familiar scent that had followed me up here, and opened my eyes. Getting to my feet, I stumbled over to the nearest white sheet. I heard Papa rush up behind me as if to stop me as my trembling hands grasped the head of the sheet, then I heard Lord Death say, "No, let her be…she needs to do this for herself." Holding my breath, I slowly pulled the sheet away. Liz.

Her light brown hair fanned out underneath her curved frame, her flawless face pale with makeup hiding the several scratches on her face. Liz was a beauty queen, no amount of battle scars were going to change that. Next her lay her equally lovely younger sister, a slight smile on her face even in death. _Death…oh God, just wake up. _I grasped both of their cold hands tightly in my own, _please wake up. _

Kid lay peacefully next to Patti, and a hard lump formed in my throat when I noticed his skull tie was lopsided. Knowing he never would have allowed this in life, I gently straightened it, then held his icy hand for a moment as the scent I still could not place filled my nostrils. Where was it coming from? It seemed to be following me as I found where Black Star and Tsubaki lay side by side. _Open your eyes, Tsubaki, _I whispered. _Please…I need your advice. I can't go through this without you. Black Star c'mon, I'll do whatever you want, just get up—you're a god, remember? _I sniffled as my nose started to run heavily, and I wiped my nose on the sleeve of my hoodie.

And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. No, more like a ton of steel crashing over my head. That scent that had followed me ever since I left the infirmary…I stared down at the sweatshirt, blue and large on me, and it wasn't because I had gotten thinner.

Papa hadn't brought me my hoodie from the apartment. He had brought me _Soul's_.

**Despair**

How did I not recognize Soul's scent? It was everywhere: in the apartment, at school, all those times we went on assignments together. And I realized it was because Soul and I were inseparable. We spent almost every waking moment together; so much so that this scent that was now haunting me I had gotten accustomed to over our time as partners. After being apart from it for several days, now that Soul was gone—

I was breathing hard again, like I had the night Stein told me everything. _Now that Soul was gone…Soul was gone…__Soul is gone__…_ I tripped forward and flung myself sprawled onto the only coffin left untouched by my wandering, curious hands. And amidst the embalming, the encasement that surrounded the man who was once my partner, my best friend, and dare I say the only person I could have ever grown to love passionately, I _still _could identify that fragrance that was distinctly Soul Eater Evans.

I try to imagine this moment from my father's and Lord Death's points of view. Stein's revelation evoked anger and screams from me, yet I remained in denial. The nightmares still left me frozen after I had awakened from them, and even looking at the corpses of my friends had kindled virtually no response. What finally set Maka Albarn off, plunged her into a tortuous agony that could only have been from hell itself? A stupid hoodie that her Papa grabbed by mistake.

My heart felt like it had exploded as I remained face down on top of Soul's body, suffocating, fighting against my own racking sobs. I felt someone grab me by the arms trying to drag me away, but I clutched even tighter to Soul, choking on what seemed to me was an endless cascade of tears. The hands stopped resisting me, but they remained firmly on my heaving shoulders as at last I unleashed the sorrow that had been blocked by my own numb disbelief—my own stubbornness.

I don't know how long I stayed there hanging onto my deceased partner, but I knew I had somehow slid off the coffin and onto my knees when I felt those strong, warm arms grasp my shoulders and pull me close. As I was lifted off the ground, I remember wanting so badly for those arms to belong to Soul—that it was my protective weapon carrying me safe and sound from this crippling agony. Then I recognized the scent of my father and lost it all over again. I was in tears the rest of the way back to my warm bed in the infirmary, and thankfully Papa didn't say a word. He silently sat down with me, holding me against his chest and rocking me gently. For the first time in years, I let him.

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" Papa asked in a hoarse voice. I looked up and saw tears running down his cheeks, and I hiccuped awkwardly from crying so hard. I started to shake my head, then realized the idea of staying by myself tonight after seeing the dead bodies of my friends terrified me worse than any fear I had ever encountered. It was like dying alone. I hastily changed my head shake to a nod, and Papa gave me a watery smile before laying me down on the soft pillows and tucking the blankets in around me. _He's probably in heaven, taking advantage of my condition as a bonding moment_, a cynical voice in the back of my head snapped, but another part of me was somewhat calmed by my father's presence, holding my hand as I slowly drifted off.

There was a long, dark hallway that seemed endless, a light at the end that I could not reach, but I pressed on anyway. I could walk endlessly, trying to catch up with the light that had to have been my way out…but what was the point? I stopped walking and sat down on what must have been a floor, but in a sea of nothingness it was impossible to tell. Why couldn't I just stay here, allowing this darkness to consume me? _I have no reason to return to consciousness…no reason to keep on going…_ I lay down on the invisible surface and drew my knees up into a fetal position. At least if I died here, I would be reunited with everyone who lost their lives because of me…I would be reunited with my friends…with my soul mate.

"You really are stupid, aren't you?"

**Acceptance**

My eyes flew open as a young prepubescent male's voice pierced the silence. "Black Star?" I called out, pulling myself up into a sitting position. _There's no way…_

"You're just gonna give up?" It _was _Black Star. He emerged from the darkness, looking good as new with one of his biggest egotistical smiles on his face. I gasped softly as a taller female emerged behind him—Tsubaki, a glowing smile on her face. They both seemed to be glowing, spiritually appearing before me.

"After all we've done for you?" the shadow weapon said gently, the smile never leaving her face as she shook her head. "That's not the Maka I knew."

"Nor I," came a third voice, crisp and proper as I heard Kid approach me from behind.

"Wh-where are we?" I asked, getting up from the floor and glancing around at my companions.

"We're in the deepest recession of your soul," Kid answered, taking my hand to help me up. It was warm and welcoming, not the icy hand I had held only hours before. "All of your darkest feelings, your most despairing of emotions resides here."

"No wonder, I feel depressed just walking through here," came Liz's reply as she and Patti emerged behind Kid.

"But…what are you doing here?" I asked, furrowing my brow in confusion. I had read briefly about this part of the soul, but never knew it physically existed until now. Weren't they all supposed to be _dead_? How could they be here, completely whole and human as opposed to spirits or merely imprints of their souls?

"Isn't it obvious?" Kid asked, letting go of my hand and smiling gently.

"You just wanna die here, don't you?" I had never heard Patti sound so serious—so _sad_, and it broke my heart.

"Well, you're…you're all gone, aren't you?" I struggled to keep my composure, but my voice just kept breaking. "Do _any _of you know what it's like to feel this way? To know that you're the lone survivor, and—and it's all your fault that you couldn't protect the people you love the most?"

"Who the _hell _said it was your fault?" came a sixth and final voice. "'Cause I'd beat the shit out of them if I were still around."

I shut my eyes tight and shook my head, tears spilling down my cheeks. I didn't even need to turn around. He was there, standing beside me as he always had, taking my trembling hand in his. "Maka…"

I opened my eyes, not caring that I was a red-eyed, teary mess again and met his deep crimson gaze. "Soul? Are…are you real?" I was choking on sobs now, but he just smiled, looking more handsome than I had ever remembered. Then, in the simplest of gestures, he opened his arms and I went straight into them, clinging to him as I wept loudly into his shoulder.

"It's alright, you're gonna be okay…"

I shook my head and burrowed deeper into his firm embrace, keeping me safe—keeping me _whole_. "No, not without you," I choked out. "I know I'm supposed to be strong, and I _know _I said I would never rely on another man as long as I lived, but the truth is…I _need _you, Soul! You're half of who I am, you're—you're my soul mate! You can't just leave me behind Soul, _please—!"_

"I'll never leave you, Maka," Soul whispered, his deep voice rumbling soothingly in his chest. "I promised you that, remember? And cool guys _never _break their promises."

"But Soul, you're dead," I whimpered. "No one can bring the dead back to life…once their soul has departed their body, it can never come back."

"Yeah, I know about that part—I lived it, remember?" He smirked, and I wanted to hit him with a book for taking this so lightly—then I remembered that was one of the things I always loved about him. He couldn't be a more perfect match for me. We balanced eachother out so well not only in soul wavelengths but in our outlook on the world around us as well. "But Maka," he went on, placing a hand under my wet chin and raising my eyes to his level, "that doesn't mean I'm not always gonna be here for you."

"What?" I breathed in disbelief.

"Every time you open up a new book to read, I'm gonna be there," Kid whispered.

"Every time you Maka-chop someone for annoying the hell outta you, I'm gonna be there," Black Star piped up.

"Every time you pull another cute or hideous outfit out of your closet, _we're _gonna be there," Liz added and Patti giggled in response.

"Maka, whenever you're lonely, sad, or just need to let go and be a normal girl, I'll be there," Tsubaki whispered.

"What about you, Soul?" I asked my partner, who still held me against him as if he never wanted to let go.

"Me?" Soul chuckled, "I'm gonna be there the rest of the time and _then _some. Whenever you take down some demon, whenever you find a new partner—"

"That's not going to happen," I said in the first strong, resolute tone I had been able to muster. "I could never replace you."

"Sure you can," Soul said, "because you're gonna keep going on and be the most amazing meister the Academy's ever seen. You _will_, Maka…"

"If…" I looked around at all of them, smiling at me, giving me undying strength without even saying a word. The ache that had held my heart and soul in its crushing grip was finally starting to loosen, and as my eyes rested back on those of my partner, I felt it nearly unravel completely. "If that's what you all really want."

"We sure as hell didn't give our lives for you just so you could follow us a couple days later," Soul said somberly. I closed my eyes contentedly as he leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead, "I'll wait for you. No matter how long it takes for you to join us, I'll be waiting there for you. You just make sure you live your life to the fullest and…and don't forget your first weapon, alright?"

Fresh tears poured down my face as I flung myself forward and pressed my lips against his—to this day, I will never know what possessed me to do such a thing. "Never," I sobbed as I pulled back slowly, "G-goodbye, Soul."

"See you later, Maka," Soul whispered, looking completely unfazed at the fact that I'd just kissed him. He backed away as I embraced each of the others tightly, bidding each of them a tearful farewell. But for the first time, I was able to let them go as they faded away from me, leaving Soul and I alone.

"You'll really wait all that time for me?" I asked again.

"Cool guys keep their promises, don't they?" he countered back at me. Then his face softened, "I mean it…I really cared about you when I was alive, Maka."

"I know…we were just too stubborn and stupid to say anything to eachother about it."

"Well, I don't know about you," Soul began as his form faded into the blackness, "but I feel a lot better now that we have."

"Yeah…me too, Soul." And I waited until every bit of him had vanished until I opened my eyes.

"Maka?" I heard Papa calling me gently, shaking my shoulder. "Sweetheart, wake up." My eyes fluttered open as the ceiling of the infirmary came into focus.

"Papa…you're still here?" I asked, turning my head to face him.

"Yes…you were crying again," he whispered sadly, reaching up to wipe away the tear tracks that had trailed into my hair. "I'm so sorry this has caused you so much pain, Maka."

"It's…it's okay, Papa," I squeezed his hand that continuously held onto mine. "I think I'm going to be alright."

"Really?" he said, that youthful sparkle returning to his eyes.

"Really," I replied. "I understand now that I have to go on…because that's what they would have wanted."

"You're right," Papa said almost in relief as he leaned over and kissed my forehead, exactly where Soul had. "Soul would have never forgiven you if you gave up."

"I know he wouldn't have," I said quietly. "Thank you, Papa…for everything."

"I love you, Maka," Papa said as he held me tight for a few moments. Could I say _I love you _back? Was I completely ready to settle things with Papa? No…but this was definitely a start. As he made to leave, I looked out the window and watched the laughing sun rise over the peaks of Death City and remembered what Soul had said to me:

_No matter how long it takes you to join us, I'll be waiting for you…_

And amidst the painful stretching of several scratches, a wide smile spread across my face.

* * *

A/N: So yeah, I love reviews so leave one one ur way out! Sorry it was so sad :(


End file.
